The Trouble With DVDs
by Lostoyannaya
Summary: [Originally The Outing.] The troubles Kirk goes through to get a few DVDs in a twenty first Century shopping centre. Ch3 up! And Kirk's in for a nasty surprise...
1. The Plan

**The Outing**

Summary: Kirk's on an ego-trip to collect all six Original Series films on DVD from Swindon…and the Original Series Television Box sets, if he can manage it.

Author's Note: After his disappearance following the episode "The Conscience of the King", Riley's back in the world. He's joint navigator with Chekov, rather than that other unnamed guy who seems to crop up from time-to-time.

Another Author's Note: The Brunnel Centre is a large shopping centre/mall in the centre of Swindon, a largish town in the middle of Wiltshire, which is in England.

Disclaimer: I do not own Paramount, Swindon, the Brunnel Centre, or any of the characters in Star Trek. Wish I did, though.

'What a fascinating place.' Spock peered around the Brunnel Centre with eyes that would have been curious had his feelings given a damn, then down at the cup of "decaffeinated mocha-latte" he held in his hand. He was suspiciously aware that the drink looked more like the sludge pits on Vulcan, but decided not to comment to the waitress, who was looking progressively more and more irate as the seconds of the day ticked by. He was dressed in a thick white jumper, jeans and trainers, as were all of the other male TOS-characters who had decided to come along on the insane quest for Star Trek DVDs. The females wore jeans and GAP tee-shirts, much to the men's joint disappointment.

Spock had protested they go at all – the assignment simply didn't make sense. They had travelled back in time (using the old sling-shot-around-the-sun trick) to travel back to Earth in 2005 to purchase all six Original Series DVDs from HMV, Virgin or similar. (And the Television Box-sets too, if Kirk could manage it). This was illogical for the following reasons:

1. The events in said movies had not happened yet, and

2. The voyage of the Starship Enterprise was nothing to do with television series and films.

Basically, it just didn't make sense.

McCoy grunted. 'If you ask me, it is a most fascinating place.' He agreed, watching a girl clad entirely in denim and chains wander past a magnet shop and become stuck to the window. 'However, I don't think it is for the sake of not agreeing with you.'

Spock arched a brow. 'That is most illogical.'

'So is that drink, but you're still drinking it.'

'I fail to see how a drink can be illogical.'

Scotty broke in. 'I fail to see where this conversation is goin',' Said he, 'So I think ye should give it up.'

'Besides,' Said Chekov defensively, 'Decaffeinated mocha-lattes vere a Russian inwention, so they cannot be illogical.'

'Oh, don't get him started again.' Pleaded Sulu. 'We've already heard about buses, roads, Brunnel Centres and oxygen particles.'

Uhura decided to divert the conversation elsewhere. 'Where _is_ the Captain?' She moaned, tapping her false nails on the table and denting the surface. 'He said he'd only be gone a minute or so. And he's been gone for half an hour.'

'Thirty-seven minutes and twenty-three seconds.' Spock corrected absently.

Uhura waved an impatient hand at him. 'Whatever. The point is that he's missing. Do you think he could have been abducted?'

McCoy considered the feasibility of the idea. '...No.' He said eventually, shaking his head. 'He isn't wearing his tearable uniform, and therefore has no motivation to be abducted.'

'That is most -' Spock began.

'- Illogical.' Everyone else finished.

'God, are we so bored that we're finishing each other's lines?' Complained Nurse Chapel.

'Obviously.' Replied Riley despondently. 'Maybe we should go and look for the Captain.'

'Good idea!' Uhura jumped to her feet, trainers squeaking on the polished floor, and pointed towards the entrance to the Brunnel Centre. 'I'll bet he's just lost. He hasn't got us to guide him. We should go and check out outside.'

'But what if the Captain comes back here?' Asked Sulu.

'Good point.' Uhura frowned. 'Riiiiiiiight, I got it. Nurse Chapel and I will go and check outside. Riley and Chekov will go and check all of the shops in the centre. Sulu and Scotty can check all of the rest-room facilities. Spock and McCoy can stay here.' She sighed theatrically. 'It will be a long and dangerous quest,' She declared, pointing one finger towards the sky. 'We are endangered by the local population to the frequency of the fact that they know more about Swinetown than we do -'

'It's Swindon.' Corrected Scotty. Uhura scowled at him until he got the point, then continued, unabashed.

'- _Swindon_ than we do, and the fact that the Redshirt budget was way down this year after "Obsession". We must be careful and rely on the more...beaten-up characters,' She glanced at Chekov and he winced, 'To protect us! Now, gentlemen, forwards and ever-upwards to find our loyal Captain!'

If she had been on stage, it would have been quite a performance. However, she wasn't, and she got a few strange looks from passers-by and a few strange stares from the characters around her.

There was a pause.

'Question,' Said Sulu. 'Since when have you been the ranking officer here?'

'Since the Author decided so.' Uhura waved her hand at him impatiently.

'The who?' Asked McCoy.

'No, not The Who, the Author. The all-mighty and powerful one.'

'Jim's writing this fan fiction?' Wondered McCoy aloud. Suddenly, from seemingly nowhere, a voice boomed from the ceiling. Only the Star Trek characters noticed.

'Ixnay on the fan-fictionsnay.' It commanded mightily. Spock arched his other brow at the ceiling and simultaneously lost both eyebrows.

'Fascinating.'

McCoy, meanwhile, was looking around like an idiot. 'Fan fiction?' He asked wildly, 'What fan fiction? Did I say fan fiction?'

'Yes.' Chekov replied bluntly. 'But it does not seem to matter.'

'Right.' Agreed Uhura. 'Let's get to it!'

'To what?' Asked Sulu. 'I'm confused.'

'You often are.' Retorted Riley. 'We're off to find the Captain.'

'Or the Wizard of Oz, whichever is easier to find.' Uhura shrugged, then pulled Chapel to her feet and linked arms with her, Dorothy-style. 'Adieu, gentlemen. May we meet again...here...at twelve-thirty. Those who do not make it back in time...we salute you!'

As she ran off with Chapel, Riley turned to McCoy. 'When was the last time you gave her a mental evaluation?'

McCoy thought for a moment. 'Now that you mention it...' He said slowly, '...Never. Women don't get mental evaluations because of various circumstances relating to PMS, Kirk-Related-Violence or Kirk-Related-Love-Syndrome, and the fact that women are the more ill-fated characters in the series.'

Chekov eyed the bruises on his arm. 'Speak for yourself.' He muttered.

Riley sighed and dug his hands into his pockets. 'Oh well.' He said, watching Uhura and Chapel disappear outside through the throng of Saturday shoppers. 'I guess we'd better get to it.'

'Right.' Agreed Chekov, also getting to his feet, and looking longingly towards the snack bar. Riley grabbed his arm and started pulling him the other way, towards an Early-Learning-Centre.

Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Sulu watched them go, then Sulu looked at Spock. 'We bought along a tricorder, didn't we?'

'Yes, lieutenant.' Spock pulled it out and a Rastafarian behind him commented on the "bigness" of his mobile phone. 'And it can pick up the Captain's testosterone from ten thousand feet.' He switched in on and it emitted a series of beeps. 'According to these readings, the Captain is in a massage-parlour at the eastern end of the Brunnel.'

Sulu's eyes lit up. 'Let's go and get him then!' He cried, setting off at a running pace for the west. McCoy hmmed.

'No wonder Sulu was never made navigator.' He commented. 'Come on Spock, Scotty. Let's go.'

And so the valiant search for the "missing" Kirk began.

So, there you go! Tune in next week (or whenever) for Chapter Two.


	2. The Storyline

**Ch-2: Storyline Approved...**

--

A/N: God, the holidays are boring! Here's another chapter.

--

Sunny-historian: Okay, here you go.

Boopsma: Like the name! Hmm...no, nothing of the sort...of course... .

--

McCoy stood and stared at the garish building in front of him in slight awe. Never before had he seen such a gaudy establishment – and he'd been to tie-dye planets the galaxy over. The outside frames of the shop were pink – hot pink – and the windows were blue tinted, and the letting on these blue windows bronze. It was, in short, a nightmarish mix of every colour the dear doctor loathed. He glared at the building, hoping it felt as ashamed as he did to be standing there.

Scotty stood beside him, hands on hips. 'How did they ever allow buidin's like these, doctor?' The engineer asked, shaking his head. 'Tis not good fer yer eyes!'

Spock agreed. 'Most extravagant and curious. How do the people of the twenty-first century cope with edifices such as these?' His question was answered a few seconds later when a girl with shocking pink hair calmly rode past wearing a bright yellow anorak and not much else. 'This place is most illogical.'

'I thought you said it was "fascinating"?' McCoy argued.

'I shall not disagree with you, doctor. It is a most fascinating and yet illogical place.'

'Ye two not arguin'? I wish the Captain was here to see this.' And Scotty's wish was granted a few seconds later from a sudden commotion from inside the shop. Two tall blonde Amazonian women emerged from the door, dragging a grinning Kirk between them. The shoved him forwards into the water fountain, simultaneously brushed their hands together and turned (rather daintily) on their heels to go back into the parlour.

Kirk clambered awkwardly out of the fountain and joined his fellow shipmates, chuckling. 'I like these twenty-first-century women!' He declared, waving his hands in the air and spraying everyone with water. 'So feisty! So loud! So angry!'

McCoy held up his arms in defence. 'Glad you like them, Jim, but they're not what we're here for.'

Kirk stopped. 'They're not? What are we here for?'

McCoy stamped his foot. 'Dammit Jim, this isn't "The Deadly Years"! Your memory is perfectly fine! We're here for the Star Trek DVDs!'

'Ahhhhhh!' Kirk nodded understandingly. 'Of course we are! Why else would we be here? To get the extra special deleted scenes from our lives! The outtakes that never made it! The interviews with the valued cast members! A look at the Enterprise's polystyrene!'

Spock looked at Scotty. 'What is the Captain babbling about, Mister Scott?'

'I dunno lad. But whatever it is, it must have some meaning. We all listened to his balmy orders in "Turnabout Intruder".'

'What is this, an episode guide?' McCoy stamped his foot. 'We're here to buy DVDs! And the sooner we buy these...things, we can get out of here!'

'Hurrah for getting out of here!' The girl in the yellow anorak screamed, zooming past them, and then past the girl still stuck to the magnet-shop window.

'Most fascinatingly illogical.' Muttered Spock. Kirk, meanwhile, was frantically patting all of his pockets.

'My wallet's gone!' He cried despairingly. 'I must have left it in the parlour!'

'Well, you can't go and get it. They'll throw you out again.' McCoy pointed out. The three men stood looking despondently at the garish establishment. Then Scotty got an idea.

'Hey! One of us can go and get it!' He said.

'What have I told you about having ideas?' Kirk asked sternly.

Scotty sighed. 'I know, I know. None of the senior officers are allowed good ideas unless we are half way through an episode, fan fiction, parody or similar.'

Kirk nodded. 'That's right. Now, my wallet is gone and we have no money. So what are we going to do for money?'

'I could go and get your wallet, Jim.' Said McCoy, obviously.

'Dammit Bones, I'm not looking for answers, I'm looking for suggestions! There will be no storyline at all in this fan fiction if I just let you saunter back in there and ask for the wallet!'

'Ixnay on the fan-fictionsnay!' Whispered a voice in Spock's ear. He frowned (slightly).

'Who said that?'

'Said what?' Asked Scotty.

Spock frowned a fraction more but did not admit his mistaken hearing of something that he definitely head. (A/N: Okay, there's some screwed up logic for you!).

McCoy snapped his fingers. 'I got it!' He cried. 'I noticed as we went past the...moving stairs thing that there's an autograph place!'

Kirk looked nonplussed. 'So?'

'Well, you're always telling us how popular James T. Kirk is to the Female Fan-Fiction Writer's Guild...if such a thing exists...so why don't you go up to the autograph shop and do some autographs on commission?'

'Then we sell them on Ebay!' Added Scotty. He drew three blank stares and so shut up.

'That sounds great!' Kirk's eyes were sparkling. 'Think of the ego...I mean, stamina required to sign lots of photos of me!'

'I believe you mean, "Stomach", Captain.' Spock corrected.

There was a short pause, then McCoy started laughing. 'Spock! You made a joke!'

'No, I made an observation.'

'No, that was a joke.'

'Observation.'

'Joke.'

'Mister Spock,' Broke in Scotty, awed. 'First you make a joke, then you start an argument! Are you feeling alright?'

'Of course. And I did not start the argument...it was Bones.'

'Hah! I knew I could get you to call me that someday!' McCoy started dancing around in circles.

Kirk frowned. 'Say, Author, what's going on here?' He demanded.

The big, booming voice from the sky interjected. 'Sorry. Going between three MSN conversations, reading a fan fiction and writing a review. Simple argument simple storyline. Ehem. GENTLEMEN! TO THE STORYLINE!'

McCoy and Spock stopped their argument at once and stood to attention. Kirk nodded his approval.

'That's better.' He said, gesturing at them.

'Hey, since when have you had the authority to ask for help from the Higher Being?' Demanded McCoy.

'Since...shut up.' Kirk turned around and surveyed the upper balcony of the Brunnel Centre. 'Okay, Bones, where's this autograph place?'

'Up there, next to Marks and Spencers.' The doctor pointed, then sharply withdrew his finger. 'Dammit Jim! I'm a doctor, not a tour guide!'

'Too late!' Kirk was already off at a running pace towards the "moving stairs", otherwise known as escalators.

--

Author: Well, there you go! What do you think?

Chekov: It sucked. We weren't in it.

Author: Quiet, you. You get a whole chapter to yourself.

Chekov: Really?

Author: Nope. But you're in it.

Chekov: Dang.

R&R...

--


	3. Arguments, Feminism and Shrines

**Ch-3: Arguments, Feminism and Shrines (Inc.) **

--

Nesserace: Aww, thank you for the long review! Yes...sympathise is a really difficult word, ne? I can never spell it...Microsoft just corrected me three times...XD. Sure, I'll gives ya an autograph! The minute I figure out how I can get paper to go through a modem...(I always thought fax machines did that). I don't know...do decaffeinated mocha-lattes exist? I was writing that halfway through reading a Dilbert comic, so I just naturally assumed Scott Adams would know...You like anime! Woo-hoo, good going. Isn't Vash the best?

Boopsma: I could be wrong, but I think that reference was supposed to be a form of screwed-up Pig Latin...it basically means "Don't mention the fan fiction!" -- "Ixnay" meaning "don't mention".

--

Riley was having trouble keeping up with Chekov, and it was annoying him to no end. Hands stuffed in pockets, the Irishmen wished to just wander along the polished (and yet dirty) faux-marble floor of the Brunnel centre, weaving in and out of imaginary crowds, real crowds, or those pigeons that just seemed to get in everywhere. The navigator, on the other hand, had other ideas. He was not walking – he was stalking – and his idea of looking for the Captain was to look in every shop window for a couple of nano-seconds, then carry on.

'Chekov! Hey! Wait up!' Riley called for the umpteenth time. The Russian stopped abruptly, and Riley nearly stumbled into him. 'Hey, could you slow down a little? This whole looking-for-the-Captain thing is really important!'

Chekov folded his arms. 'Riley, you know as vell as I do that the Keptin is a main character. The likelihood of us losing him permanently is wery, wery tiny.'

Riley shrugged. 'Yeah, but we need something to do. We've nearly searched all of the shops in the centre, and we haven't even spotted him.'

'Of course ve hawen't! Othervise this vould be a wery, wery short fan fiction.'

Riley frowned. 'Your accent appears to be getting stronger and more incomprehensible than ever!' He moaned. 'What did you say?'

'I said – oh, look ower there!'

'No you didn't.'

'No, I mean, look ower there.' Chekov pointed to the window of Virgin Megastores. 'They're hawing a DWD sale!'

'DWD?' Riley repeated stupidly. 'What's a DWD?'

'A type of explosive.' Said a girl in a bright yellow anorak, zooming past on her bike.

'I meant D...' Chekov seemed to have a lot of trouble saying the next part of the word. '..._V_D. That's vhat I meant – as you could see by just looking at the poster in the vindow.'

'Ahh.' Said Riley. He squinted at the poster. 'Hundreds of DVDs at lower-than-retail prices.' He read out. (His eyesight must have been super-good as well...Virgin Megastores was over the other side of the Brunnel centre and there were throngs of people in the way...). 'Well, maybe the Captain's there if they're having a sale.'

'Yes.' Chekov agreed. 'And look at the name of the shop! Let's go!'

The two men set off at a run through the crowds, scared they'd miss the Captain, and pelted straight past the escalator that McCoy, Scotty,Spock and the Captain were using to get to the autograph shop.

--

'Sisters are doing it for themselves!'

It was most likely a very odd thing to see two women strolling casually down the street in Swindon, singing at the tops of their lungs and occasionally thrusting their hands into the air, hitting passers-by with overloaded shopping bags. They had barely been in the strange twenty-first-century town for half an hour, and already Chapel had hunted out all of the deals and Uhura all of the markets. Now, laden with clothes, second-hand books ('Books!' Chapel had cried delightedly, pointing at the old-fashioned paper objects), strange pots and several large chunks of French-market cheese, they were making their way across to "HMV", a store that apparently sold DVDs (for very cheap prices, boasted the poster in the window).

'If the Captain's anywhere,' Said Uhura, 'He'll be there. According to the window there's an all-weekend sale on DVDs, and that's bound to include Star Trek.'

Chapel nodded vigorously. 'Yes, yes.' She agreed, swinging her pot-filled carrier bag and accidentally hitting dodgy-looking mobile phone salesmen around the head. 'And once we get the DVDs we'll go back to the Enterprise, sit down all together in that room and watch them.'

'What room?' Asked Uhura.

'The one where people watching the Shakespearian play in "The Conscience of the King"...' Chapel tailed off as, once again, the mighty voice boomed from the sky.

'Ixnay on the "Conscience"-snay.' It said. Again, only Chapel and Uhura seemed to notice it.

'What was I saying?' Asked Chapel.

Uhura shrugged. 'Nothing very interesting, or I would have been listening. Do you have _any_ idea how hard it is, listening to that little piece of an Action Man gun I have stuck in my ear twenty-four-seven? Hard. Very, very hard! All the time, I'm listening to all different frequencies – men complaining about their wives, wives complaining about their men, supply ships, starships, _The Archers_, the current affairs news, the Stock Market...'

'Wow.' Chapel was impressed. 'You can hear everything on that thing, no?'

'Yes.' Uhura rubbed her temples. 'And it's driving me crazy! Do you have any idea how _painful_ the thing is?' She gestured at HMV. 'I want to get myself some headphones too. And maybe a Walkman. Do you think the Captain will notice me listening to a Walkman instead of the communications board?'

'He hardly notices your there at all, unless you have your legs crossed.'

'What's that supposed to mean?'

'We have a Captain with a veeerry short attention-span.'

'Yeah, we do, don't we?'

The two women arrived outside of HMV and stood looking at the huge neon sign on the front of the shop. 'I've always wondered what HMV stood for...' Said Chapel.

'Her Majesty's Videos?' Suggested Uhura.

'His Master's Voice?' Suggested Chapel back, not realising she was correct.

'Here Maybel Verbs?'

'Hair Men Vergessen?'

'Heil Mein Volkswagen?'

The two women looked at each other, then shrugged and gave up. 'Well, let's go in.' Uhura said, walking up to the cold metal door and opening it. 'If he's anywhere, he'll be here.'

--

Kirk stared. And stared. And stared. It...it was the most beautiful thing he'd ever seen. The most majestic...breathtakingly beautiful and wonderful scene ever to grace his eyes...it was...it was...

McCoy pulled a face. 'I can't believe they've dedicated an entire wall to William Shatner.' He said, disgusted. 'And only half a wall each to Leonard Nemoy and DeForest Kelly - not to mention James Doohan!'

'Who?' Asked Scotty.

'Um...I don't know.' McCoy diverted his gaze to the other side of the autograph shop – to a wall dedicated to Stargate SG1- and pretended to be thinking about Scotty's question.

'It's...it's wondrous...' Kirk was muttering in the meantime, eyes filling with tears and bright, shiny stars. 'It's...it's...'

'You.' Said Spock, Scottyand McCoy at once.

'Yes.' Agreed Kirk. 'Yes, it is...and it's so wondrous...'

Just then, the shop assistant walked back in from the darkroom behind the counter and spotted Kirk eyeing the wall display. 'Can I, like, help ya?' The shop assistant was tattooed from head to foot, had cropped bright pink hair and chains almost all over her. She could have been magnet-girl's twin sister.

'Yes...er...' Kirk managed to tear his eyes away from his shrine, and he walked over to the counter. 'Actually, I was going to offer an autograph signing...thing.'

The girl squinted at him, then at the William Shatner display, then back at him. She gasped. 'Strike a light, you're James T. Kirk!' She gasped, even though she'd never watched Star Trek in her entire life. 'You're, like, the Captain of the Enterprise.'

'That's right!' Kirk leant on the glass counter, smiling winningly. 'And I'd love to offer my services to you.' He winked.

The girl nodded at him, then looked over his shoulder. Her eyes widened. 'And you two are, like, Scotty, McCoy and Spock! This is so awesome!' She pointed at them. 'You stay right where you are! I'm just gonna go and get my boss.'

'Yes, ma'am.' Kirk saluted, then, when the girl left, turned back to Scotty, McCoy and Spock. 'You see, I told you this was a good idea.'

'Jim, it was _my_ idea.' McCoy corrected.

Kirk frowned. 'Bones, we had no continuity in the series, and we have no continuity now. It was my idea, done and paid for.'

Spock had his turn to frown. 'Captain, you did not pay for doctor McCoy's idea. It was his own.'

'It wasn't copyrighted.' The Captain argued.

McCoy opened his mouth to argue back, then just left his jaw hang limply. The punk-girl had returned with her boss, the owner of the autograph shop.

Kirk turned too, and the smile fell off his face and hit the floor like a plummeting aeroplane. ('What's an aeroplane?' Asks Scotty).

'You...' Kirk whispered, pointing at the boss, who smiled back with insane charm.

It was Janice Lester.

--

Mwahaaha, end of another chapter and all.

--

Janice Lester, See: Turnabout Intruder, third season. Class episode, if you ask me.


End file.
